Card Brand: Scrawl More Web

"A thoughtful child is one who leaves enough petrol in the car for you to get to the garage"
Rosemary Baldock

"Tell the man there are 500 million stars in the universe and he will believe you.

Tell him a fence has just been painted and he has to touch it first."
Urban Graphic

"A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine. Except on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk."
Lee Entreken

“A Mother knows all about her children. She knows about romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A father is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house”
Urban Graphic

"Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a father ages as much as 20 years."
Al Bernstein

"If you can afford it, then there is no pleasure in buying it."
Wallis Simpson

"Age is nothing but experience. And some of us are more experienced than others."
Andy Rooney

"I'm a member of a new group called alcoholics unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink you ring another member and they come over to persuade you".
Richard Harris

“All good champagne should be delicately flavoured, exquisitely chilled
and completely free”.
Anna Maughan

“When things get really tough the final, most potent words of wisdom a father can have:
'Ask your mother’”.
Frank Lancaster

"Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money".
Sara Lloyd

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and bad memory."
Albert Schweitzer

"Be kind to everybody. You might never know who might show up on the jury at your trial".
Urban Graphic

"Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck."
Joss Whedon

“Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy".
Benjamin Franklin

"You will love being married. It's great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life".
Rita Rudner

"There are better things in life than alcohol, but it makes up for not having them."
Terry Pratchett

"No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats remember approximately one billion chinese people couldn't care less."
Abraham Lazlo

"Birthdays are natures way of telling you to eat more cake".
Jo Brand

"You should always take your birthday with a pinch of salt. Then a short of tequila and a slice of lime."
Anon

"Birthdays are good for you.
Statistics prove that the people who have the most live the longest".
Larry Lorenzoni

"No man goes before his time. Unless the boss leaves early."
Bob Hope

"The brain is a wonderful organ.
It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office".
Robert Frost

"I may be getting on a bit, but I can still rock like a son of a bitch."
Ozzy Osbourne

"Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble".
Martin Mull

"You know the point your children have grown up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going".
Urban Graphic

"You shouldn't drink coffee at work. It keeps you awake in the afternoons."
Ronald Reagan

"I took up a collection for a man in our office but I didn't get enough to buy one."
Ruth Buzzi

"I know a girl that's a compulsive shopper.
She'll buy anything that's marked down. One day she's gonna come home with an escalator."
Henry Youngman

Computer Games don't effect kids. If pac-man had effected us as kids, we'd all be runnigng around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetative electronic music.
Gareth Owen

"Inspite of the cost of living , it still remains popular."
Kathleen Norris

"Life is short.

Eat dessert first."
Jacques Torres

"I've never disliked a man enough to give him his diamonds back."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I's offcially getting old so I don't need drugs anymore. I can get the same effect by standing up really fast".
Jonathan Katz

"Health is what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down."
Phyllis Diller

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S Thompson

"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be".
Ian Cresswell
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“If swimming is so good for your figure then how do you explain whales”?
Urban Graphic

“I tell you we are here on earth to fart around and don't let anyone tell you different”.
Kurt Vonnegut

"The best way for a father to give his advice to his children is to find out what they want to do and then advise them to do it."
Harry S Truman

"A man is as old as he feels. A woman is as old as she feels like admitting."
American Proverb

"Ask a woman how she feels and she'll open her heart and tell you her fears, hopes and dreams. Ask a man what he feels and he'll tell you he feels like a pizza."
Diana Ford

“They say that being a mum does get it easier; it’s the first forty years that are the hardest”.
Cheryl Maughan

"My team lives football, dreams football, it eats football. Now if it could only play football."
Urban Graphic

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day".
George Carlin

"Give a Man a Fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the entire weekend."
Zenna Schaffer

"God invented vegetables to let fathers get even with their children."
PJ O'Rourke

"There are no good girls gone wrong. There are only bad girls found out."
Mae West

As I get older I'm trying to eat more healthy food, so I've bought Gordon Ramsey's new cookbook, "Take Two Eggs and F**koff".
Jack Dee

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance of being first".
Edgar Bergen

"All I ever wanted was an honest weeks pay for an honest days work."
Phil Silvers

“The best way to keep your children out of hot water is to put some dishes in it”.
Urban Graphic

“You can learn many things from your children.
How much patience you have for instance”.
Franklin P Jones

"A friedn of mine wrote a book entitled 'How to Attract Men'. The main device was to be naked and have a bar by the bed."
John Waters

"This is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart I carry it in my heart."
E E Cummings

"I don't do drugs anymore. I don't do them any less either.
Bill Hicks

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor".
Joan Rivers

"I don't feel old. In fact, I generally don't feel anything 'till noon. Then It's time for my nap."
Bob Hope

"I hate housework.
You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to do it all over again".
Joan Rivers

"I like life it's something to do".
Ronnie Shakes

"If a man smiles in his own house someone is sure to ask him for money".
William Feather

"Insanity is hereditary.
You get it from your children".
Sam Levenson

“Life doesn’t come with an instruction book. That’s why we have fathers”.
John Maughan

"Intuition is the strange instinct that tells a woman that she is right whether she is or not."
Oscar Wilde

"Some people say, 'The glass is half empty.'
Some people say 'the glass is half full.'
I say 'It's not my round.'"
Urban Graphic

"Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have syphillis, in which case penicillin's a better bet."
Bob Monkhouse

"I can lie convincingly about my age, I can't always remember what it is."
Violet Conti

"Like I say, a little grey hair is a small price to pay for all this wisdom.
Kathy Shashkin

"You should live every day like it's your last day because one day you're gonna be right".
Ray Charles

"I don't worry about getting older. I intend to live forever. So far so good."
Steven Wright

"they say that you'll lose your mind as you get older. what they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much."
Malcolm Cowley

Men like to barbecue. They like to cook but only if danger is involved.
Rita Rudner
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"My Dad's great.
He's one of my favourite parents."
Urban Graphic

"A mother should be neither cocky nor proud because she knows that the school may call at any minute to report that her child has just driven a motorcycle through the gymnasium."
Gloria Kaufman

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out of a window".
Steve Wozniak

"On page one of my memory there is the chapter 'When I first met you'. It begins with the words 'Here begins a new life'."
Dante Alighieri (From 'La Vita Nuova' 1293)
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"It's not easy being a mother, if it were easy fathers would do it."
Urban Graphic

"I do get brood occasionally. Like when I am watching TV and I can't reach the remote I think, 'a kid would be good right now.'"
Kathleen Madigan

"I don't know anything about computers. I don't even know how often to change the oil."
George Burns

"I like to think of myself as an optimistic realist. I know the glass is half full. I just want to know who's been drinking from it and if I still have to pay full price?"
Robert Tetreault

"Never raise your hand to your children. It leaves your groin unprotected."
Red Buttons

“Real men don’t use instructions. They are only the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put the thing together”
Tim Taylor

"To me, the kids are the reason for everything. The reason everything is either messy, broken or dirty."
Urban Graphic

"We should have a profound respect for old age. Especially when it's bottled."
Gene Fowler

“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It is only necessary to be rich”
Alan Alda

"The whole rock and roll thing is over-rated.
Take away the drugs, drink, adoration, fame and money and what's left?".
Chrissie Hynde

"I'd take shopping over sex any day. Anything that seems a bit small of disappointing when you get it home can easily be exchanged for something more satisfying."
Alison Hill

"Most women are attracted to the simple things in life - like men."
Hennie Youngman

“A father’s solemn duty is to watch football with his children and teach them when to shout at the ref”.
Paul Collins

"My mum is a never ending song in my heart. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune."
Graycie Harmon

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you are older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman; stuff you pay good money for in later life".
Emo Phillips

"If you find that your eyys hurt after drinking coffee, try taking the spoon out of the cup."
Norm Crosby

"When you participate in sporting events it's not all about winning or losing. It's how drunk you get after that counts."
Urban Graphic

"Love is two minutes and fifty two seconds of squelching noises."
Johnny Rotten

"Fathers are always asking kids 'what they want to be when they grow up' because they are still looking for ideas.
Jack Benny

"Successful women can still have their feet on the ground.

They just wear better shoes."
Maud Van De Venne

"You hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called everybody and they meet at the bar".
Mark Birt

"A mother is she who can take the place of others but whose place no-one else can take".
Cardinal Mermillod

"If you want to be happy for a short time get drunk; happy for a long time fall in love; happy forever take up gardening."
Chinese Proverb

"I'm at that certain age. Too old for ecstacy. Too young for the bowling green."
Rab C Nesbitt

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats for they are subtle and will piss on your computer."
Elmo Gethin

“As I get older my opinions may change but not the fact that I am right”.
Urban Graphic

"If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on time - you're the grandparent."
Theresa Bloomingdale

"To me, the great outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxi-cab."
Fran Leibowitz

"How to please a woman?
Love her, die for her, take her to dinner, miss the football for her, buy her jewellery, be interested in what she has to say...
How to please a man?
Show up naked, bring beer".
Urban Graphic

"Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world."
Bette Midler

"There is only one thing wrong with the younger generation.
A lot of us don't belong to it anymore"
Bernard Baruch

"There are three ways to get things done; do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it".
Mona Crane

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world except take exercise ot get up early or be responsible."
Oscar Wilde

"I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire".
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
William Butler Yeats

"It's amazing how quickly kids learn to drive the car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher or vacuum cleaner".
Ben Bergor

"A lady is a woman that never shows her underwear unintentionally."
Lillian Day

"The older you get the better you get unless you are a banana".
Urban Graphic

"If it wasn't for ventian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us."
Eric Morecambe

It's important to watch what you eat. Otherwise you may miss your mouth.
Matt Diamond

"Why do dogs always run to the door when the doorbell rings? It's hardly ever for them."
Harry Hill

"Wine really does improve with age. The older I get the more I like it."
Urban Graphic

"Hangovers are the wrath of grapes."
Dorothy Parker

"The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost; they are added to the ages of other women."
Diane de Poiters

"You should always go for younger men. You may as well. They never mature anyway."
Theresa Bloomingdale